Friday, 22 January 2016

What I learned from being fat

I've been learning to better accept my body and how I look. Honestly, I'm at a phase in my life where I just don't care anymore what other people think. But no matter how confident I might be, I'll always have my issues.

But it seems as though most things that are wrong in my life could be linked to my weight - from my confidence, to my trust in others, to how I perceive myself. It's safe to say that when you hate the way you look, wether you're fat or skinny, there's nothing else on your mind other than the desire to change. Until about a year ago and a half ago, being "fat" defined entirely who I was. I mean, atleast that's what I thought. 

I wasn't a fat kid. But I turned into a fat teenager. And for years, I never thought of myself as anything other than the fat family member, the fat friend, the fat colleague, the fat girl. The girl who never knew self love. I got tired of feeling like the ugliest duck on the planet, of putting myself down over something that I can indeed, control. I decided to try and lose weight. 

Having been bullied growing up, I don't really think having these issues are anything less than normal. I've recently just heard (on a tv show nonetheless) "The first step to feeling good, is looking good." This is true. I went from a size 16UK (44EUR; 12US) to a size 10UK (38EUR; 6US). And let me tell you, it feels pretty great. It's helped me in ways you can't ever imagine.

But did it remove everything that I'm self conscious about? No. Did it help? Yes of course it did. But feeling like certain clothes don't look well on me (even though you bought them exactly because they fit right in), that I have to pose in certain ways so that my fat doesn't look too fat, and waking up and knowing that it's not going to be a good day because nothing feels right on you - that, is still there. That remains. But I've come to the conclusion that this is like this for everyone. Yes, even boys.

And guess what? No matter how much weight you lose or put on, there will always be something you will want to change about yourself.

Like everybody else, I went through my phases of losing weight only to put the weight back on a few months later. The thing is, I was scared. Scared to actually go through with it - a place I'd never though I'd be. What made me go through with it this last time? There as a click. I was tired. I needed it.

And guess what? Losing weight is not hard. Everything we go through mentally - that's the tough part. 

More than anything else, I'm just mad for everything I put myself through. For everytime I looked in the mirror instead of thinking "today will be a good day", I criticized everything and anything I looked at. For making myself believe that I'm not worth of love or respect or that I wasn't good enough. And at times, these are still things which first come to mind when I put on a cute dress that I really really love.

My lack of confidence in myself ruined alot of opportunities. 

If you're anything like I was, these are few of the thoughts that cripple you (and also annoy the heck out of you): don't draw attention to your body, don't wear stripes, you need to be happy all the time (who has time to deal with your moods?) laugh at yourself first before anyone else has the chance to, don't flirt with guys you find attractive and for the love of god, agree everytime people give you exercise and dieting tips.

The thing I learned the most is - no matter how much you want to change, and in fact do change, the only thing you need to learn is how to love yourself. I don't care if this sounds real cheesy. If that doesn't happen, you will never be truly happy with the person you are. Your confidence is key for everything. From the way people look at you, to the way you look at yourself.

I am who I am. I'm the same person inside. And I have learned that no matter how I look, I'll be okay with just as I am. Even if there are things I want to change. I'll be okay with just as I am. My body doesn't define who I am. Not anymore.

There are a few things I learned along the way and try to remember everyday.

1. People don't actually like body talking. Someone will always be offended about something. Humans, what can we do?

2. Humour is not your way out. You are much more than you realize. We both know it hurts when people laugh with you, even if you laugh first at yourself first.

3. Shallow people will always be there. No matter how good you feel about yourself, there will always be someone who hates something about you.

4. When people are talking to you, 70% of the time they're not really looking at the things you're most conscious about. 

4. Surround yourself with right people. Personally, I like brutally honest people. I guess it's because my family and bestfriend are like this.

5. Losing or gaining weight won't make you love yourself. You'll always care about one thing or another.

6. I deserve to be happy. Why is this so hard to accept?

7. I also deserve to feel however the heck I want to feel. My emotions are mine to deal with, not yours. (Spoiler alert: I'm human too)

8. You don't owe anyone anything. You don't need to say yes when you want to say no. Or say no when you want to say yes. Do whatever you want whenever you want.

9. "You accept the love you think you deserve." (Shout out to Perks of Being a Wallflower)

10. You are beautiful.

First picture from 2013, Second from 2016, Third is my most recent (it's one day old)

Have you ever felt like this? Are you a confident person or is it something you need to work on?

Ella x

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